GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE DECEMBER 20, 1996

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BIG TIPS

How do I end this, nicely, before I die of boredom?

by M.T. “the Big Tipper” Martone

I woke up in the middle of last night sweating. Since I've already enjoyed my allotment of suffering this particular cold and flu and flea and tick season, it could only mean one thing: I'd forgotten to turn the heat down before I laid me down to sleep.

Now, my pad has electric heat, which is the most inefficient and expensive way to heat a living space short of baking a lot of potatoes and scattering them around while they're still hot. My thermostat has a setting called the "comfort zone,” which I consider the "company zone,” since it only gets turned on at all, and then up to the "C.Z.,” when folks come over to visit.

So last night, after a few madcap rounds of Jenga, my pals were on their way, and with cheerful ignorance of the impending economic drain, I leapt into bed. I swear, when I woke up to the heat in my apartment, I could actually hear the quarters rushing out of my registers like Vegas.

I'll be okay, though; I can always just curl around a steaming baked Russet.

Dear Big Tipper,

I stopped being sexually active with "Bob" about six months ago, but we parted, supposedly, as friends. We were only together for about a month and a half, and to tell the truth, the reason we didn't stay together was largely because we didn't really have anything to say to each other. We really don't have anything in common, and I feel like I have to make every conversation happen, from sentence to sentence. He's a nice guy, sexy, but he makes me feel like I'm dying of boredom when I spend time with him.

We talk on the phone every few weeks, then get together for dinner, and he frequently brings me a little present. Nothing big; I don't think he's trying to buy back my affection, I just think he thinks of me when he's out and sees something. I feel guilty because I don't want to get him anything, and what I want the most is to not have to see him. How do I get rid of him without feeling so bad?

Dear Static Fling,

I Didn't Marry Him

It almost makes you wish you had liked him enough to have a terrible breakup, and then you could feel justified in not wanting to see him. Why is "staying friends" considered the only desirable alternative to setting fire to his rare vinyl out on the front lawn?

I have friends who are pro"literal" closure in every circumstance, but I think there are ways to attain something close to that level of resolution without actually sitting down and saying, "This isn't working for me; we're not really friends; no, I don't want to work on it; back off, goodbye."

It's okay to let it drift. "Common-law closure" can be achieved by not talking for a certain period of time. Return his phone calls, but let a few days or weeks pass before you do, and when you talk with him, don't automatically set up a time to see him. Be busy. If he won't just take a vague no, just say

life is crazy right now, and maybe next time. And no, I'm not mistaking avoidance for closure. Sometimes something is over, or never even existed, and it's okay to extricate yourself gently, i.e., do return his calls, but not until a lack of urgency has been clearly indicated by passing time. It doesn't sound like this was an emotionally involving affair, so in this circumstance it's probably okay to just slip through the cracks of his social calendar.

Our real friendships are important to our emotional well-being. You need a certain amount of passion in a friendship, or at least an interest in the same hobby, and it sounds like you didn't even have that. Spend your time with your actual friends.

Dear Big Tipper,

My girlfriend has just recently gotten a fairly serious case of dandruff, and she is very ashamed of it. I don't find it disgusting in and of itself (in general she is a devoted practitioner of personal hygiene) but her process for dealing with this dreaded affliction includes scratching her head and watching the flakes trickle down onto our dining room table.

How can I tell her that this method of confronting her problem face to flake, so to speak, is making me gag—without triggering that shame in the most malignant way? Please share your knowledge of subtle and gentle persuasion.

Snowy's Sweetie

Dear Swimming in the Great Flakes,

I wanted a little context for my comments, so I consulted my extensive collection of out-of-date health tomes. The only one that had anything to say about your girlfriend's affliction was the Primer of Hygiene, from 1910: "Dandruff is caused by germs growing in the oil glands and in the little pockets about the hairs. One person can get this disease from another, and for this reason, public combs and brushes should not be used." So, I can only hope you weren't using the same public brushes and combs she was.

You say her process includes scratching her head. I'm taking this to mean she is also pursuing some other healing course of action. If she's just waiting ten days or so for something to kick in, you might hold your tongue if you can bear it.

If you just can't, perhaps make a gentle suggestion that scratching isn't good for her battleground of a scalp: couch your comment in concern. You might also find out what would be good for her little head, and give her a massage. Lay a caring groundwork, so if you lose your mind and shout, "Knock it off with the freakin' scratching, already!” you can chalk it up to the stress of caring so deeply about her problem. For the time being, I'd also suggest putting down a white tablecloth.

Send your questions on life, love and electric resistance heat to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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